What is sitting under that tree?

Time and again you have given everything without thinking of yourself. You have understood, you have helped, you have done all that was in your power and yet you are misunderstood and rejected. Disappointed you turn into yourself and ask: ‘What is the use of it all? Why am I doing this?’ You feel angry, intensely sad and remember all the pain suffered in the past. What have your beliefs brought you up to now? Feeling lonely you start to lag behind, wanting to disappear from sight. Life will

continue without you whatever you do.

Why should you even need a place and a meaning, what part of you needs to be seen and loved all the time? What is it that you still can not let go of, what is your support? Why are you even asking

yourself this?

You need to think of the Buddha, who just before enlightenment asked himself: ‘what is that there under that tree?’ Think of Jesus who just before his martyrdom on the cross said: ‘forgive them for they know not what they do.’ Do you need to know yourself better still? Do you really need to become a saint?

Why can you not simply stop thinking? Why hold on so strongly to your beliefs? Are you too self righteous, too proud? Why do I even write this? Is it not better to rest, to give in to a dreamless, deep sleep?

I have said and written it often enough: a crisis is not a breakdown, it is a breakthrough. What are your and my viewpoints? What is left when part of you still wants love, while simultaneously you see that part of you as an illusion, an imaginary thought? I imagine letting go of this idea, visualizing soaring gulls, frolicking tomtits, children playing – all metaphors that I used earlier. I do not know whether I feel happy or sad over this, probably both.

Night is fading, dawn is coming, in a short while I will have to participate in everyday life again, then it will become clear what I need to do. Have I worked through my pain or is my breakthrough still to come? I can still choose to go to sleep, hoping for dreamless slumber. Whatever I choose, it will happen as is needed. This is not an (assumed) belief, this is knowledge through experience. This is the power in me that is stronger than my mind (my thoughts). This is a power, a natural power, the one which intends to do the right thing.