Poor child

When you hold on to the same story for years, maybe your whole life, the hole in which you can fall when you imagine letting go of it will be very very deep. Everything you were so sure of, everything you believed in will be lost. You will feel entirely unprotected and will be afraid to fall prey to whatever you have been so afraid of from childhood onwards. You will not know what will remain of you or even if anything will remain at all once you leave the protective shelter of your long term beliefs. It is like a scary dream, one where you stand naked in a crowd with no opportunity whatsoever to hide away. Or a dream where you fall into an endless depth, having nothing to hold onto, left only to guess when you will hit solid ground.

How did you become so deformed, why was your need so urgent, what scared you so much? How

lonely were you then, all by yourself? Was there ever someone who said: ‘Child, I love you, you are dear to me, you are fine as you are’? Can you remember, maybe just a single time when there was someone who stood up for you, who loved you? Can you still feel how happy you were with that, and still are?

Still you had to continue, survive in a world where no one really understood you. However hard you tried you did not receive the confirmation and love which you hoped and struggled for. At the utmost you were appreciated and praised for your achievements, feats which in due time gave you very little satisfaction. That may be why you did not keep up the effort to be ‘great’ any more, becoming

indifferent to the endeavour to be loved you gave up.

Now here you are; disappointed, worn out, bitter, but above all lonesome and lonely. You do not trust anybody any more, you have drawn your conclusions and if there is something or some one who confronts you about this,

someone who points out the insincerity of your tales of loneliness, you react in the same old way with the same scared reflexes, an unapproachable, vulnerable and scared child.

Even so, you know your own truth buried deeply inside, hidden away behind a facade, you can feel the pain of it. However unapproachable you may be, you still long for someone who will accept you as you are, who understands and who loves you. You think back to that one time long ago, when you were still a child and by remembering that moment you melt inside and know for certain that in spite of everything your intentions are still kind and loving. Poor child.