Back in the polder II

Yesterday together with my son, I was back in the polder of my youth. He wanted to enter by a road that had not existed earlier. This new road passes through a nature area where silence is requisite. It was closed off by a gate. My son climbed over it easily but I didn’t succeed to get to the other side, even with his help. Not only did I become aware of my age but I also realized that today’s polder differs from how I remember it. What I used to consider as mine is now being taken over by my son. He

continues with what I have left behind.

Leaving the gate for what it was we drove in by the old road. My memory was triggered but I also noticed that well known spots had changed completely. The old layout was covered by new growth. I didn’t know where I rather wanted to be: in my memory or in this new polder. In my mind I saw

images; of my father who used to work here and of myself as I had roamed here. I was unable to let those images go. The old polder has gone, during the course of my life I have not evolved, have not grown with the changes. The old polder is no more, it is just a dream in my mind.

What should I do? Do I enter this new reality together with my son or do I continue searching for the past? Shall I confirm my memories or should I embrace the new. Is the gate that closes off the new path really too high? Do I really need to use the old road to be able to enter the new? Will my company disturb my son’s exploration? Shall I join him on his journey or will that be a disturbance, an

interference for him?

Should I resign to my age, be a mere onlooker – the identity of an old man? I cannot cross gates and ditches as I used to but I can bring a chair and let my eyes feast on what they long to see. Maybe I can once again, just as in the past, let my hands do what I want them to do, to paint. I see it before me.

Heaven and earth, blue and green, as elementary as possible but filled with the well known sensation that it is correct. The feeling which is always there, timeless, without discrepancy embracing all, no here or there, no heaven or earth, just the blue and green intertwined, a sensation that surpasses all memories.